I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
