I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
