She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
where are my eyebrows?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
