Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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