Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
