apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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