Heybabeimwearingurpanties
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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