Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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