Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
