Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
