did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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