Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
