you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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