1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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