Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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