I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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