Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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