i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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