Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So much rum. So many feels.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
