it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Randomize
