People with herpes should wear stickers.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
