How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
