he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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