I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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