The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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