2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
