I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
