the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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