Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
