i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
