I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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