I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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