I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize