I cannot find my penis.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize