I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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