Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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