I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Randomize
