I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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