Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
