After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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