if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Do vagina's smell?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My vagina just clenched in fear
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
