I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
