all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
