So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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