i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
