I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
