Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
