Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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