I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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