i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
