dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
