Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
