her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
