I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
