and i looked up. we had an audience...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
