Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
