He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
