well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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