my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
