just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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