I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
