Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
