I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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