I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
